'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jocked, to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo,
Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo.
The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there.
The dependents were nestled, all snug in their beds
While Porsches and charge accounts danced in their heads
And my dove and I, watching T.V. cable stations
Had just settled down to three weeks paid vacation.
When out in the drive there arose such a clamor
My wife lost her place in a story in Glamour.
To the window I had the man run, like a flash
To make sure it was garbage men taking the trash.
But he said, "It's a lawyer, sir, parking his car.
I fear it's a Jetta, and in THIS front yard!
Shall I sound the alarm?" "Yes, don't let him inside!
My ex must want more alimony," I cried.
But though servants locked windows and barred the front door,
Our defense was as loose as a two-dollar whore.
For just as back in the Jacuzzi I stepped,
A soot-suited man from the fireplace lept.
"I flew down the flue," he informed, and I sighed.
"That sure puts a damper on things," I replied
He was dressed in a suit, with three pieces and tie,
But I saw he'd forgotten to zip up his fly.
He had a long nose that resembled a dork,
And his beady eyes begged to be poked with a fork.
With only these words, "You poor Ivy-leagued jerk!
This isn't your day!" he went straight to his work.
Beneath the aluminum tree he did crouch,
And took all of our presents to put in his pouch.
The TV's and stereos, jewelry and clothes,
All went into his Hefty, and then he arose.
He crossed the fireplace, turning his back...
And emptied our stockings out into the sack.
But just as I thought that was all I would lose,
He went to the kitchen and drank all my booze.
Then he dumped all our silverware into the bag,
And added the new VCR to his swag.
Our Waterford crystal, our Tiffany lamps,
My son's Telecaster and thousand-watt amps,
My Princeton diploma was yanked off the wall
And twenty sports jackets from out in the hall.
My antique collection, the wife's diamond rings,
He ransacked the house and took all of our things!
But when he had stacked all the bags by the door,
Well, I brought our my Doberman and said "Listen you boor!
You've invaded our privacy - I know the law!
KILL, Charger, KILL!" But the lawyer guffawed,
And laying a finger aside of his nose
Gave a honk, and blew snot - all over my clothes.
He grabbed a dry breadstick and took my dog's life,
Then ran to the bedroom and ravished my wife!
Now, I really was peeved! "Sir, I'll see you in court!
You can't do such things to collect non-support!"
But he laughed, "Non-support?" as he got off my spouse.
"Tomorrow they're coming to take down your house.
And soon the policemen will drag you away.
Your own Uncle Sam's repossessing today!"
"You mean you aren't my ex-wife's attorney?"
I asked, while he loaded my gold Lamborghini.
He laughed as he dashed away into the night,
And tossed a bottle which broke my porch light.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Damn, your wife was awfully tight.

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.

if the white stuff's what u seek
unzip my pants and take a peek.
reach right in and grab the stick,
if ur good it will be quick.
rub it hard and rub it good,
do it how u feel u should.
once it grows
then ull know
soon the white stuff will blow.
keep on going dont stop
harder, faster
the goo will drop.
ok now here we go
there's ur white stuff
now u can go.

Roses are red
Violets are corny
When I think of you
Oh baby I get horny
Eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me

Suck me, fuck me very slowly
When you kiss me dont be fast
Use your tongue and make it last
When you touch me dont be sassy
Rub me down and make it nasty!